After her 19-year-old daughter was killed in an automobile accident, Helen didn’t know how she would get through the holidays. “The idea of facing an empty chair from Thanksgiving through the new year intimidated and even terrified me,” she remembers.
After her 19-year-old daughter was killed in an automobile accident, Helen didn’t know how she would get through the holidays. “The idea of facing an empty chair from Thanksgiving through the new year intimidated and even terrified me,” she remembers.
After talking about that issue with her husband, the couple came up with a creative solution. They decided to fill the empty chair with someone else.
“Granddad flew in for Thanksgiving.
On Christmas eve, a widowed neighbor joined us for dinner. One of my husband’s colleagues, who was recently divorced and would otherwise have spent the day alone, joined us for Christmas Day.
And on New Year’s Day, a college friend of our daughter’s came and had brunch with us.
All in all, there was never an empty chair, and amazingly, our visitors eased our holiday pain considerably.”
For the majority of people, the holidays are a festive, happy time filled to overflowing with bonds of love.
But for those who have experienced the death of a loved one, the shadow of grief darkens the weeks from Thanksgiving through the new year.
The power of faith
Because they have lost a loved one, grievers find themselves dreading the holidays. Yet Helen’s resourceful approach shows that some creative thought and planning can go a long way to improving the holidays when one is grieving.
In addition to filling an empty chair, here are a dozen other suggestions for managing the holidays when there has been a loss to death.
-Tap into the power of faith. The most important single step in dealing with holiday grief lies in turning to God for help, guidance, strength, support and wisdom. Pray, believing that God will administer healing balm for your wounded heart.
Your experience can parallel that of the psalmist who testified: “The Lord reached down from above and took hold of me; He pulled me out of the deep waters. He rescued me” (Ps. 18:16–17).
Read your Bible and claim for yourself these types of scriptural promises: “Your sadness will turn into gladness” (Jesus in John 16:20); “We are in darkness now, but the Lord will give us light” (Mic. 7:8); “I will … make Trouble Valley a door of hope” (Hos. 2:15).
-Do only what feels right. Understand there is no right or wrong way to celebrate the holidays after a loved one has died.
Hold a family conference to discuss what would be the best way to celebrate this year.
You can do it the same as always, or you can change your traditions.
A ‘safe’ place to grieve
You and your family can answer questions such as these (in order) to better shape your holiday: What is important about our holiday? What is not important? What do we need to keep? What can we change? What is negotiable with other family members? Do we need to celebrate the same way, or should we now make new traditions? What is it that I (or our family) need from this holiday? Be flexible. Don’t set plans in stone. Let things change and evolve when necessary.
-Plan how you will shop. “I was dreading the very idea of being in a large mall crowded with festive shoppers, hearing holiday music in the stores,” recalled Stanley, whose wife of 40 years died seven months earlier. “Then a friend suggested I do my shopping online. I had an enjoyable time ‘shopping’ through the various ‘stores’ and placed all of my holiday gift orders online. It did the trick and kept me out of the malls.” If you find it impossible to be in shopping centers, then make holiday purchases from catalogs or off the Internet or consider giving cash gifts.
-Network with other grievers. Talk with others who have been through the holidays while grieving. Don’t forget that others have been down the grief path over the holidays. Find them and seek out their counsel. What they have learned can help you.
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In his book “A Decembered Grief,” Harold Ivan Smith says all grievers need a “safe” place to grieve and sometimes that may not be within a family or within a circle of close friends because they have not been grievers.
He strongly recommends finding other grievers or participating in a bereavement self-help group to find like-minded people. Doing so can lead to holiday grief relief. Smith says by becoming involved in an organized support group, grievers will discover they are not alone.
Taking care of yourself
Grievers will discover that some people can be trusted with their thoughts and wonderings. They will discover that the experience of another griever may have some raw resources for their healing and grief journey. Grievers will discover that mourning is not an illness or self-indulgence of a bad habit. They will learn seasonal strategies that work for others.
-Nurture yourself. Do what you need during the holidays to maintain balance in your life. If you need to rest more, then rest. If you need to get away for a few days, then get away. Be sure to take care of your physical self. The holidays are often a stressful time even for people who are not dealing with a death. Respect your body and your mind during the holidays by being focused on taking care of yourself physically. Eat properly, drink water, exercise and rest as often as you need to.
-Ignore criticism. “You can expect some criticism or at least commentary on your grief style and on the holiday decisions you’ll make,” Smith notes. “Something is bound to annoy or confuse someone in your family or extended social network. … The critic has probably never been in your shoes — he or she has never had to make the decisions you have had to make or must now make. It sounds simplistic, but sometimes you simply have to ignore the criticism.”
-Honor your loved one through a holiday memorial gift. Give the amount you would have spent on gifts for your deceased loved one to a charity in his or her name. Another suggestion is to purchase a gift for your loved one but donate it to his or her favorite charity.
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Others have donated their time in honor of a loved one. Volunteering during the holidays is a wonderful way to help others.
The Salvation Army, Red Cross and other civic organizations are always in need of more help during the holidays.
-Eliminate unnecessary stress. Try to find the balance between overextending yourself and completely isolating yourself. Resist the temptation of escaping into loneliness by avoiding people, events and holiday parties, but at the same time, don’t overload yourself with too many commitments.
Noted bereavement counselor Rabbi Earl Grollman advises, “Escaping into loneliness is the wrong solution. If you stay alone too much, your home will become a protective shell that keeps you from facing new challenges of life … at the same time, don’t overload the circuits.
“Look over your priorities. What are the things that have to be done now? Are your plans realistic? Don’t punish yourself with unworkable and impractical tasks. … Take one step at a time outside your home. How about reconsidering that dinner invitation to your friend’s home?”
-Deliberately say the name of the person who died. Sometimes family and friends will avoid talking about your deceased loved one for fear of further upsetting you. Be the one to bring up his or her name. That way you let others know you want and need to talk about him or her.
Honor your loved one
-Do something symbolic. Come up with rituals that symbolize the memory of your loved one. The first holiday after their 14-year-old son died from cancer, his family developed three rituals in his memory. First, a candle was lit at Thanksgiving.
After a brief moment of silence and remembrance, each person shared a memory. Secondly, a new Christmas ornament was purchased and placed on the tree in his memory. Thirdly, the family planted a tree on New Year’s Day.
-Write a letter to your deceased loved one. That advice comes from counselors Susan J. Zonnebelt-Smeenge and Robert C. De Vries in their book “The Empty Chair: Handling Grief on Holidays and Special Occasions.” In that letter, they offer these sentences to jump-start your thinking:
“When I think of this holiday without you, I feel …”
“The thing I will miss most on this special day without you is …”
“The things that you gave me that were important were …”
-Cultivate hope. Even though you are grieving during the holidays and have experienced a huge loss, try to identify the good that remains in your life. Make a list of the positives, and review them with a grateful heart.
‘Life is not over’
“Grief changes us; hopefully it can change you for the better — make you more insightful, more understanding of what life is all about and what is important to you,” say De Vries and Zonnebelt-Smeenge. “Take hold of your life. Believe your life is not over. You still have reasons for being here. Begin to find out what those reasons are.”
As you intentionally cultivate hope, you will build the foundation to have a truly happy new year.
Reprinted with permission from The Alabama Baptist.